domination.

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”—anais nin

Oh my, it’s just SO Christian Grey-like. And SO sa-woon worthy.

I apologize, I could not help but reference a little 50 Shades there. I mean, hello, she uses the word “dominated.” Grey gives that word a whole new meaning that’s for sure.

I know some of my friends are shocked to hear of my love of a little book called 50 Shades of Grey (you’ve heard of it, no?), and many of them are probably gasping that I do, indeed, love this fab quote by Nin. See, the thing is, I’ve always been a bit of a leader. When we were younger, my sister so nicely told me that I was even far beyond leader, and that I was actually bossy. Nowadays, I try to leave the bossiness up to Kelis, but I do still relish in leading every now and then.

When it comes to men, I’ve always been a bit of a strong-willed feminist, too. I tell my friends the importance of working and making your own money. I’ve thrown the phrase “once a cheater always a cheater” around a few times. I’m my mother’s daughter through and through and these are things she’s drilled into my head since I was a little babe.

 

However, this quote appeals to me because sometimes it's nice to be mindless. Especially when it comes to men. Though I have more guards around my heart than Buckingham Palace, I do long for the day that I'm willing to drop what one friend refers to as my Great Wall of China and allow a male to make me lose a little control. I recently had a conversation with two of my close friends (one male, one female) about how I need to let "go" a little more. Be a little more carefree. A little less controlled. The thing is, I want that also, but I never know quite how to achieve it. In my heart though, I know the right person will run right through my walls and scoop me and my control right off our cemented feet.

 

I also know that when that happens, I won't lose any part of who I am. Rather, I'll grow into a better me. A more relaxed, more carefree, happier me. My heart and the knots in my back can't wait for that moment.

 

Here's to a carefree someday.

anxiety.

This morning I had an 11 minute phone call with my mother that instantly raised my blood pressure and frayed my nerves. This was not my mother's fault. (entirely.) My mom is a planner. Her mind is constantly moving about 10 paces ahead of everyone else. She'll call me three weeks before an event to see what time I am going to get there or what outfit I am going to wear. Meanwhile, I get anxiety over planning something a week ahead. (Can you say commitment issues?) Not to mention the fact that being rushed is quite possibly the worst feeling in the world to me, so being rushed weeks ahead of something is traumatizing for a gal like me.

Anyways, this conversation and anxiety this morning was self inflicted because I called her to discuss important matters such as my big move next month to Washington D.C. for grad school. Instantly I felt my stomach do a little flip-flop that it must have learned while watching the Women's Gymnastics Olympic trials last week. And then on the eleventh minute and probably eleventh different question, I had enough. I do this thing where my body starts to tremble, I shake my head, and I use vague statements such as, "Ok it'll be fine," or "No problem, we can just figure it out later," and then immediately declare that I'm busy and have to get off the phone. Maybe I was an escape artist in a previous life? Anything's possible.

When I get these acrobatic stomach feelings though, I immediately dive into a deep nostalgic state. This time, I am nostalgic for my semester abroad in London during my junior year of college. I still look back on those three and half months as the happiest time of my life thus far. I don't think I've ever laughed as hard, smiled as big, or gawked as loud at the beautiful sights. Life was simple. I was disconnected from the rest of the world (minus Skype, Twitter, Facebook, and e-mail), and I indulged in utter, complete selfishness for probably the first time of my life. I spent a lot of time alone riding the Tube or sipping coffee before class in Starbucks. This allowed me to grow comfortably with my own thoughts and emotions.

(In the London Eye checking out my main man, Mr. Ben.)

In London I took risks. I branched out and made new friends. I drank Guinness. (woof.) I lived with a new family. I tasted new food. I conquered public transportation. I never cried. (You see, before I left, I made a personal No Crying in London Rule. I knew these months were precious, so why spend them sad?) I was mugged. I missed my family and friends. I tried new styles. I lived on a budget. I felt complete.

(Swoon central.)

Days before I left for London I was in an utter panic-stricken state. Change scares the hell out of me. (Hence this morning's minor freak out.) It was just then that God sent this angel of man to comfort me in a grocery store, nonetheless. He was a sweet elderly man who smiled with eyes as he asked my friends and I if we were in college. He then proceeded to ask about our courses which is when I shared that I'd be leaving to study in London in a few short days. That grin widened across his whole face as he mind traveled back to a time that he was there many years ago. He sighed and said, "Do everything you can there. Just literally step outside and walk. For miles and miles--just walk and take it all in. You will love it. If you don't love London, then you'll hate heaven." This was 100% exactly what I needed to hear, and I often replayed his words over and over again in mind during my semester there. And of course, London lived up to the heavenly category he placed it in.

(Taking one last spin around the city before we headed back to our homeland.)

So today, I'll sit and daydream about London. I'll remember the friends, the pubs, the entire experience. Maybe I'll even shed a tear or two, because after all I'm not actually IN London, so I'm allowed. But, today, I'll also pray for another angel. Another person to come along and ease my fears and anxieties for my future.

Here's to memories--to remembering them, and to making them.

breathing easy.

This last week was busy & chaotic. Miraculously, it was also relaxing and freeing. Last weekend was full of old friends and family which always fills my heart. And then around 6a.m. Sunday, I stealthily escaped my apartment with friends in tow and drove toward sea breezes and sandy shores. You see, I have this thing. This need to run away over my birthday. Ever since I was a little toddler I have loathed my birthday. I think it's the attention and the big spectacle part that I dislike, so my coping mechanism is escape. (Therapists would have a field day with me, I'm telling ya.) Anyways, I think everyone each year deserves a few days in the sun & sea, so these were mine to use up. And use them up I did, with some of my very best friends, too. I'll tell you what--I'm the luckiest newly 23 year old I know.

(beach after a big storm)

There is just something about the sound of sea gulls, relentless crashing of waves, sand between my toes, and smell of seafood that instantly raises the corners of my mouth. To experience this all with some of my best friends from college only enhanced my experience greatly. There were karaoke bar performances, cold beers, long, tasty dinners, silly games, and loads of laughs.

(motley crew.)

My escape from my birthday didn't work out too great, as my friends enjoyed telling everyone at the bar that it was my special day. My embarrasment levels seriously spiked during this trip, and I have my friends to thank for that. But still, it was a great escape, and I'm thankful we all still find the time to hang out with one another, embarrassing moments or not.

(sunrise courtesy of Dan. the rest of us were too sleepy to get out of bed.)

Here's to growing up, but not growing apart.